absurd // satire // 3-minute read


There's this kid.

Poor guy.

He's stuck to a wall.

David is his name I think. He's only fourteen or so. Nobody knows how he got stuck there, but it looks like he's going to be there for the rest of his life. His back is pressed right up against it. Doctors say they've never seen anything like it. The experts agree.

"It's weird," said a guy on the news. "Weird and random and I don't like it."

"It's like ... David is a piece of paper ... and the wall, is a very powerful vacuum cleaner. His legs and back are suctioned to the wall, but his head and his arms are free. Incredible really," an expert said. "But tragic of course ... that too."

The kid was found a couple of days ago stuck to the side of a high street bakers. They interviewed him on the TV. He said "I was just a normal kid on my way home to my normal life and then, it was like a magnet pulled me off of my feet and against the wall of this bakers. I don't mind, but I wish I knew it was going to happen because I would've worn a better shirt. I mean there's nothing wrong with the one I'm wearing, it's a nice one, but the colour is a little purple for my liking, I have a red one at home ... yeah ... that would've been much better."

Like I said ... poor guy, stuck to a wall, and he didn't even get to wear his favourite red shirt.

But I guess it hasn't been all bad for this kid. The first thing the town did was pool together their money to buy him one of those airplane pillows that wrap around your neck, a nice pair of gloves for when it got cold, and a brand new smartphone. It was a real fancy one too. Within the hour he'd downloaded the Twitter app and got himself an account. You can follow him at @boyonawall.

His first tweet read, "stuck on a wall, but I got a free phone, so life ain't too bad I guess."

It was retweeted thousands of times and within a few hours he had about ten thousand followers. I mean, that's pretty good right? Poor kid, stuck to a wall, but at least he’s got a fanbase.

"I was hungry, and I couldn't go to the shop, because I'm stuck to a wall, but the bakers gave me a free pasty." This was his second tweet. Not quite as pithy as the first, but to my amazement, within the hour, he’d tripled his Twitter following.

Now me ... I've been on Twitter for two years now. I've tweeted more than two thousand times. Not just nonsense either. All of my tweets are hard-hitting witty observations about life and stuff.

"Contemplating scratching my chin later." See what I mean. Less than one hundred and forty characters and it’s a joke wrapped within layers of complexity.

"First used a computer in my early teens and never looked back, and now I’ve got really sore eyes." Now that’s a tweet if ever I saw one. It’s got it all, humour, wit, satire, and sore eyes. That one got one retweet. ONE!

I find myself looking at @boyonawall’s profile again and again, watching his number of followers go up by the second, then I go back to mine. One hundred and thirty-two.

But this kid. A couple of bland tweets and he's an internet celebrity. Meme's with his face on are popping up everywhere. My friend sent me one with a picture of the kid's smug little face. Beneath it, in impact font, it said "At least you're not stuck to a wall." I blocked that guy straight away.

He has bad taste, I thought.

And people are tweeting him nonsense too:

"@boyonawall You’re so brave. All my love to your family."
"@boyonawall If you ever get off that wall, come see me and I’ll make you happy."
"@boyonawall this kid makes me want to be a better person. #life "
"@boyonawall Fuck Yeah! Stuck To A Wall And He’s Kicking Ass #swagger."

Disgusting right? The way these people are sticking their internet noses up his internet rectum.

Now, I know he’s got it bad because he’s stuck to a wall, but in a way, he’s also incredibly lucky. I wish I had the privilege of being stuck to a wall. I wish I'd been given that leg up in life.

I thought he should know this. So I tweeted him.

"@boyonwall You don't realise how lucky you are to be stuck to a wall #getoverit #amiright."

As I pressed the send button I couldn't help but feel a sense of righteousness wash over me. I felt like I was saying what everyone else was thinking. I was the voice of the people. Sure he had his fans, but there were the rest of us. The people who could see through his bullshit. He probably stuck himself to the wall. Yeah, that’s what we’re thinking. This would be my new calling in my Twitter life, I thought. I'll be the guy who calls it how it is. Yeah, I'll be that guy.

I checked my phone a couple of hours later, expecting a buzz of notifications, but ... nothing. In fact, when I checked, I'd lost twelve followers. Not my audience, I thought. I was at least expecting a reply from @boyonawall, but there was nothing.

There's this kid.

Stuck to a wall.

Fuck that kid.






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